So, you’ve been unhappy in your relationship for quite a while, have gone down the counselling route, perhaps tried to break up a few times, but then thought it best to muddle along because of the children, the financial implications or the suspicion that the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere.
And then someone new comes along. You weren’t especially looking. It perhaps began when you casually shared a coffee or two at work, coincidentally turned up at the same time at the gym, or regularly caught the same bus.
A few conversations, shared glances and in no time the chemistry’s firing. From then on you’re both hoping to catch sight of each other, perhaps conspiring to meet on a regular basis.
Was it fate that brought you together?
It can be quite a dilemma, caught in the first flush of long-forgotten emotions, excitement and the sexual appeal of someone new and desirable, especially when that someone wants you too! Do you give in to the electricity of the moment or demonstrate some restraint?
Things to Consider
There are many things to consider in a situation like this. If you met this new person when you were feeling vulnerable and ready to love and be loved, then it can make the whole experience more heady and exciting. But it’s often advisable to exercise a little caution in these situations, rather than dive into ‘feelings’ too quickly or too deeply.
Decisions
It’s usually a good decision to deal with your existing relationship status one way or another. If it was over anyway, before you met your new person, prioritise sorting it out and finalising all the different elements, the various factors, like children, possessions and finances. It can then be an important part of your recovery to have a bit of time on your own and let things settle.
Future Peace of Mind
Maybe rent or take a house share for a while until you’re feeling clearer in your mind about where you want to go from here. It’s important for your future peace of mind that you’re reassured that you left your relationship because it was over, not because someone new turned up and enticed you away. It’s far better to do this than later regret or blame the breakdown of your marriage on a third-party if your new life doesn’t work out as hoped.
Get to know you again
Spend time getting reacquainted with yourself again, especially if you’ve been in your old relationship for a long time. Rediscover your likes and dislikes, what interests and inspires you, how you feel about the future. Learn how to socialise as a new found singleton. Starting conversations and discussing popular, topical matters may be a hardly-used skill that needs resurrecting and a little practise.
Transition
It’s good to use a period of transition, like a relationship ending or a redundancy, to learn about becoming a bit more independent, to think about a job, earning your own money, to reflect on the direction you may want your career to take, or to even consider working for yourself and becoming self-employed.
Advice
Enjoy your friends and listen to their advice, accept their support. But don’t let yourself be pressurised into making decisions that may not suit you. Listen and be encouraged, but not coerced or bullied. You can minimise the pressure by using phrases like, ‘thanks for all your help, give me a little time to think about it, leave it with me’.
And, if you’ve been on your own for a while you may now feel that you’re ready to start another relationship, that you’re keen to share your life with someone new. Be cautious if using dating sites and take things steady. Enjoy the ‘getting to know each other’ process. It can be fun to enter the heady world of dating, especially after a long time alone or following on from a stale relationship.
Take your time.
There’s no need to rush into something or share everything too quickly. Savour each stage of the journey. Yes, when you really click with someone it’s understandable to feel excitement, anticipation and maybe a little trepidation. But in these situations it’s important to manage your expectations. The desire to love, be loved, be part of a couple and share much about yourself and your life can be overwhelming.
But a little restraint can be important.
No one wants to appear desperate or over eager. Retain some mystery and maintain your other interests, nurture your friendships and keep a little me time in reserve. Being independent was not won easily. Safeguard it, and enjoy this new stage of your life.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor & Hypnotherapist – lifestyletherapy.net
